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how not to say goodbye

a how to. a how not to on saying goodbye. i hope you see this and it burns you the way i've been suffocating for years years years and i hope you never see this because why else would i be suffocating if not for your sake :

how am i supposed to keep smiling when all you want to know is what i'm doing and not how i am // isn't it impossible for me not to grow up thinking that all i sum up to is a laundry list a shelved file of all my achievements // what am i supposed to do when i miss you and want to hear your voice but i know i can't call // and why is it that hanging up phone calls with you makes me want to hang up my life? // ... // what are you supposed to do when the people you love the most make you want to throw yourself out windows?

" yeah i drive myself crazy thinking everything's about me why is everything so heavy " (heavy - linkin park ft kiiara)

like fuck. i'm not trying to be anything i'm so busy trying to be something. everything's going to shit because there's nothing underneath my skin i don't know who i am or where i'm going i feel like an empty shell like you drew the outlines and i've been spending my life trying to squeeze myself in but i've squeezed myself into oblivion where were you when i sat in the dark with the pills lined up snug under my tongue? yes i spat them out yes i was afraid yes i wasn't going to do that to you no i did not feel better

" so before i save someone else i've got to save myself " (save myself - ed sheeran)

but no i'm angry. i'm angry and i don't know how to be properly angry except the way my voice rises at the end and i can't bear to look up and the way you clear your throat burns. burns.

" you will die but now your life is free take pride in what is sure to die " (truce - twenty one pilots)

[silence]
[silence]
yes
but hey. let me just swallow everything back into the pit of my stomach where nothing shines. i am scared we won't make it to the end but i don't know how to let go and pardon me but you never taught me how. and i don't see what right you have to ask me to peel away the walls when you're the reason i put them up at all.
cheers to the words i will never have the courage to say because what else can i do with them but let them sit here and slowly dissolve?





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